This is genius!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!




Minesweepeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeer.

The beginning of Week #3 in DC. Still no job. That's not for lack of trying. I'm going to be stuck in this dungeon forever, penniless and alone. I feel like the longer I go in this stagnant way the harder it will be for me to get into some kind of life outside with other people. I've already realized how increasingly anti-social I am becoming. I just don't care to go anywhere and when I think about how much time I spend by myself, I don't think it's a problem. I usually think it's alright because I know I have friends, they just are not nearby anymore but how long will those ties last? We are all graduating and moving away from one another, making our own lives, so why did we ever think we would always be friends? Is it possible? Do people remain friends with people they went to school with after they get jobs in different cities, different states, different countries? Right now, it seems highly doubtful, but then again I'm sitting underground alone with no prospects to leave in the immediate future.

I've lost all sense of time in that way. I don't think about the future very much because it means nothing to me. I all too literally have all the time in the world. I have spent my entire life based on schedules and routine and planning but now I have nothing. I can do nothing more than live day to day. I can wake up and think...okay I'll run three miles at 9:30 then shower then eat lunch then....... What? I can do nothing more than plan meals and other meaningless activities to fill my time. Meanwhile, my job prospects become less and less.

Lately I've been thinking I'll just work somewhere else while looking for a real job that will be worth my academic years. If worst comes to worst, I can always work for McDonald's here in DC. I mean, they at least have to hire me, right? I already have the uniform and have passed the test for making the new McCafe drinks. It's sad, the only job I'm qualified for is McDonald's crew member.

Well anyway, I feel like I need to change myself again, become someone more respectable and kinder. But I'm just too listless these days to even care enough.

What will tomorrow bring? I have no idea and I hate that. There's a huge chance in exactly a week I will be sitting here in this exact spot thinking the exact same thoughts and I hate that.

Well anyway, I'm not usually this depressing but sometimes it catches up to me and that's when I usually feel like posting journal entries. I think in the future I should only post when I'm happy and cheerful but I don't think of it in such times.

Look at my new puppy!!!!!!!!!



He says "HI!!!! My name is Calvin!!! Will you play with me????"

whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat

Matsuyama Kenichi will play Watanabe in the film adaptation of Norwegian wood?

Can such a perfect happenstance exist????????????? Thank you, Gods of Asian Entertainment.

I'm back in DC. After driving more than four hours in the rain by myself without a stereo, I finally arrived yesterday a little after 2pm. I unpacked all of my stuff and then chilled but I was really sad. I have moved around a lot the past three years but never by myself and it's never felt so final like it did yesterday. I always had winter break or summer break to look forward to, but now I have no time constraints. I literally have all the time in the world and I hate that.

But anyway, today I ran a bit, continued to mope for a while, then talked to my uncle for more than three hours. My uncle and I have never been particularly close and he still really intimidates me. He's incredibly intelligent and slightly awkward. I'm alright but when I get around anybody who is even slightly self-conscious it tends to bring out my more awkward side. I don't know why that is but there you go. But my uncle is under the delusion that I have a lot of potential and am myself equally intelligent and so he is trying really hard to help me out as I figure out what I want to do. It's really quite nice of him. It helps that's he is retired and has never had children so I think he views me as a challenging project for his new free time. Whatever the case, I am exceedingly grateful.

But anyway, I've been saying that my end goal is to work as an intelligence analyst for East Asia and so today we started laying out the possible avenues to get to that point, most of which all came back to getting a Master's. I've been feeling bad because Sarah is in the same position as me but nobody is helping her whereas everyone seems to be concerned only over me and that's not right. So I mentioned I felt bad about that and when I had finished explaining that he said it seemed like maybe instead of a government job that I should look for one that helps people because I seem to need that. And I suddenly started explaining how much I preferred studying about philosophy and compassion and thinking about how people relate to one another and all of that. This is something I rarely talk about, and something I never meant to mention to my uncle. Because I feel like I am expected to aim for this top career of an analyst and make a lot of money and have status and I felt like if I wanted to do something else I'd be letting down a lot of people, including my uncle. So I didn't want him to know I had thoughts like that. But I have been feeling really bad lately as I've been trying to figure out how to go about getting that initial career goal of analyst and I realize it is because as I've done that it has made me incredibly self-absorbed and I hate that.

As soon as we started discussing jobs that could allow me to directly help people, I felt much better. So maybe that's what I need.

Actually, that's probably definitely what I need. But I still can't help but feel torn between what I should do and what I want to do. But this is only the first day of really searching for a job. Hopefully my uncle will not mind sitting down with me again tomorrow to discuss this matter further; I really felt like it helped me to have someone to talk to like that. Especially him because he is terribly bright and insightful while being distant enough from me to be critical and judgmental. We ended up talking a lot about philosophy which he said he really loved because he doesn't know anybody to have such discussion with and he really wants such things. I agree because I don't know many people to talk to about deep things.

Well anyway it seems my first step will be getting a temporary job up here in DC. So that is probably what I will work on tomorrow. I hate not doing anything concrete. All I am doing is thinking and planning endlessly without anything productive resulting.

The past few years I've often been in my self-proclaimed "transiatory periods" when I'm trying hard to improve upon myself and try not to take myself too seriously. But I guess I never really understood totally what that meant because now I'm in deep grieving over my school life. I hate being so uncertain and pressured and directionless.

But I have sealed my fate. I am leaving on the 16th to follow my dream and make my way in the world. Girl from the small, country-side town who always seems to fall short of her too-high aspirations moving to the crowded, cruel city with nothing but a few dollars and a suitcase. It's all too cliche.

And what is it I want? I just want to be self-sufficient which seems simple enough but in this economic weather, and for someone as awkward and failure-prone as I am, can I make it? What will become of me? Will I succeed?

Succeed at what? I don't really know. It's a lot easier to talk about my ambitions and dream career when it's not the critical moment when I have to begin to work for it.

But I think I'm being too mopey. Which is why I decided to give up my job security at McDonalds and just launch right in and go to DC. I'll make it somehow. Actually, I will miss McDonalds. It's not bad and some of my managers really like me and some of my coworkers are nice. But as they say, strike while the iron's hot. So here I go...

Failure is not an option. (And probably relative anyway).

I can't wait to pack.

But until then, what? I have a week now. I already made up with Shana again. For the week and a half that we did not talk, I felt like we never would again because I'm too stubborn to apologize. I had too much pride to admit that it was my fault. And I always know she's way too good for me. I never understand why she stays with me like she does. When is it she will finally figure out everyone is so much more suitable for her? Because she's really perfect and I'm so cruel and gross. But anyway, during that cold war I felt alright because I wouldn't miss her when I leave. But I called her anyway, asked to spend the night with her and it was awkward at first but then somewhere along the way I suddenly realized the way we were acting was completely natural. I didn't need to apologize at all. There we were having a picnic by the lake and talking about our future together. There was never any mention of the way we hadn't talked.

Then I later realized that for the past two weeks I have felt really depressed and mopey, wishing more than anything that I would die young because life just seems so pointless and such a sentiment is always too strong. But last night I didn't feel that way at all. It's like now that I am back together with Shana, I'm not depressing. She just does something to me. In some weird way, our relationship is my grounding light. I cannot lose her. I need to be more careful in the future to not be as bad as I am and take her more seriously.

Anyway, Shana and I decided that we would start our own painting business. We are working out all the details now. We decided we would take the next two years to work and save up as much money as we can and then rent an apartment together in northern Virginia and begin. We both have experience so we know what customers want and how to treat employees. Once we get a little bigger, Shana will remain hand-on, going to the sites and working and I would be in charge of bookkeeping and that kind of thing. We will hire college students to cold call part-time. Anyway, we have a lot more plans for this. It's a little funny because I cannot tell if we are serious or not. She seems serious but I think it's so ridiculous that surely it can't be. Well, I guess I'll see where we are in two years. That's a really long time from now. When I think of where I was two years ago it seems really strange.

Your dating personality profile: Liberal - Politics matters to you, and you aren't afraid to share your left-leaning views. You would never be caught voting for a conservative candidate. Big-Hearted - You are a kind and caring person. Your warmth is inviting, and your heart is a wellspring of love. Practical - You are a down-to-earth individual who is not impressed with material excess. You care about the stuff of like that really matters.

Your Top Ten Traits 1. Liberal 2. Big-Hearted 3. Practical 4. Sensual 5. Adventurous 6. Athletic 7. Intellectual 8. Traditional 9. Shy 10. Romantic

Your date match profile: Practical - You are drawn to people who are sensible and smart. Flashy, materialistic people turn you off. You appreciate the simpler side of living. Shy - You are put off by people who are open books. You are drawn to someone who is a bit more mysterious. You want to draw him out of his shell and get to know what he is all about. Intellectual - You seek out intelligence. Idle chit-chat is not what you are after. You prefer your date who can stimulate your mind.

Your Top Ten Match Traits 1. Practical 2. Shy 3. Intellectual 4. Adventurous 5. Big-Hearted 6. Conservative 7. Traditional 8. Athletic 9. Wealthy/Ambitious 10. Romantic

Take the Dating Profile Quiz at Would I Date You

More thoughts on McDonalds because I do always have to overthink everything.

Another thing I find really interesting is the people that I work with. These are the type of people that I normally would have no association with. We come from completely different worlds and even if I had any desire to be with them, they'd never give me the time of day. That's just the way it is. They are different from me. But since I work there I am one of them and they treat me that way. They have no idea of otherwise. So they talk to me like they have no idea that I don't like to party and that I much prefer to have in depth conversations on comparative theology and Eastern philosophical reasoning. Like I've said earlier, only a couple of my managers know I have even been to a university, let alone graduated. They don't know I spent the past two years in Richmond developing myself.

So this reminds me a lot of why I did end up loving VCU so much. One of the people I work with graduated from high school with me. I honestly didn't know him at all in high school though apparently he was super popular. He hasn't even left the area at all. He keeps trying to talk to me about high school but I just don't care. I said to him, "do you keep in touch with anybody from high school?" Because I certainly make no effort to do so. He seemed surprised and said, "yeah like half of the people I was friends with in high school." I felt really sorry for him then. He said once, "I really miss high school. Those were the best four years of my life." I answered, "I hated every one them." And he couldn't understand why.

I almost forgot too, but I've soon been reminded, mostly through my talks with him. Today for example he said something and I responded naturally and he looked at me like I was crazy and said, "didn't you get that?" I said, "what?" And he repeated it and it had been a weird sexual inneundo; he's always trying to joke with me. He said, "I feel really sorry for you." I asked him why. He said, "because you never laugh at perverted jokes and stuff." Like I said, I nearly forgot why I hated high school. I have been surrounded the past two years by another world. I hated this small town. I can't deal with that. I spent my entire life feeling like I was crazy and displaced. I couldn't understand why I was the only one that didn't want to get drunk and instead wanted to read books and think about world conflict resolution. I thought I was just more mature than everyone else.

So at VCU there were so many different people--no, not just VCU, the world outside of this suffocating hometown. There were people like those from high school but there were also people who were completely different, completely like me. I wasn't weird at all. So I got on with making myself. Free to grow, able to think of those worldly thoughts and have those Eastern-flavored philosophical conversations. And at the end of those two years, I thought the world was normal.

But returning to this small town, literally again with those same high school people, I am again weird. That boy at work invited me to one of his weekly parties. He said nearly 70 people come every Saturday and it's so great because there's always at least one fight. He thought I was crazy because I declined the invitation.

Anyway, unlike high school-me, I know that this is not it. In high school all I could do was hope and assume that there was something more and people more like myself. So now I have lived outside of all this and still have friends out there to keep me in touch with it. And I know I'll not always live here--nope, not long at all. I'll return there soon. And so like in high school, I remain true to myself and I don't give in to all that other nonsense and I read books and don't go to ridiculous parties on Saturday nights.

But anyway, it's fun to be able to be from both sides of it. I can get along just fine with all those people I work with. They may be 20 with 2 kids to feed and divorce papers now old and they are so miserable but we are alike in that we work at the same place and we are one.

I certainly like all people.

Although I've only worked at McDonalds for three weeks now, it feels like I've been there for months. It's really strange but when I think that just three weeks ago I was getting out of my Catholicism exam at VCU, it feels like I'm living in a different time dimension. My eight hours a day at McDonalds goes by really slowly so that doesn't help. I wake up with the sun. Go to bed with the sun - not unlike the Amish. But I've always loved going to bed early and waking up early; I haven't been able to while in school with roommates so it makes me happy to be able to go to bed before 10 and wake up at 6.

Anyway, this weekend I am going to go to Arlington. My uncle plays tennis with a woman who is looking for someone to help her in her office so they thought of me and have set up a time for me to meet with her to find out more details. As far as I know, it is a temporary, part-time job. But I'm not sure that I even want to leave McDonalds.

It's not that I like it.

Actually, maybe I do. It's weird to think about this and even more so strange to admit to it, but I think I'm a masochist. I've considered it a while but I sort of like being miserable. And I know that's terribly wrong. But I remember my saddest moments, like crying outside in the stairwell of my apartment or when I was about to drop out of UMW and I'd think how it felt okay even when miserable. I wonder why that is. But then, most people are a little bit like that. Why else are sad songs so popular? And sad movies and books and whatnot. People like whatever makes them feel and whatever moves them strongly and nothing does that like sadness. Maybe misery is more accessible than happiness anyway or maybe deep misery makes happiness seem more precious. I really don't know. Anyway, I find that I am happier when I do this kind of thing--working 10 hours of my day and feeling exhausted for the other few hours when I'm not sleeping. Something in that is fulfilling to me and limits the amount of time I can spend thinking seriously about things I'd rather not give much thought to.

In this way, I think I'm not that strange. I think a lot of people are this way. People complain all the time about being busy but if they weren't they'd have nothing.

Anyway, I have a lot of thoughts about my work at McDonalds. I'll try to limit them. I say that it is part of my Buddhist training like a joke but I'm not kidding. I'm honestly using this experience to train myself.

My college degree does not guarantee me a good job, but I do feel as if I am destined for something at least middle-class, white color, something higher on the socioeconomic scale. I spent the last few years surrounded by middle/upper class people in college though I am not one of them personally. But I feel like it's really easy to lose touch with that kind of thing. I definitely learned the summer before last about blue collaring and manual labor jobs. I realized that summer that I would always feel connected to anybody with such a job. And so here I am doing it again. It's not that I didn't learn fully; I'm just getting a different aspect of it.

While again I am learning of the way people work so hard, miserably, for little profit, this job puts me in a position where I am continually confronted with people. One after another, nonstop I encounter person after person. So many different people. Some people are so rude. Others are so naturally sweet even in the two seconds they are in your life.

I'm not particularly good at my job. And people are so particular about their food. So a lot of people tend to get angry at me and say unkind things to me. I have been well-trained by Perdue, enough to never be bothered and instead my immediate reaction is All sentient beings are the same in that they all want happiness and don't want suffering. And so then I think, "okay, I understand you." There's no need for me to get upset just because that person is. I know why they are mad and the only person I can account for is me.

And lately I've been thinking about that a lot. If all sentient beings are the same in that they all want happiness and don't want suffering, then all people can be understood on that same basic level. If we are all the same, then we are all one. We are god. Tat twam asi. That you are. That you are is us. I am actually everyone. Or something like that. I don't really know and need more time to think. All I know is that it seems if you are in touch with that, then it is impossible to do anything to harm anybody.

Oh, but not really. I think you have to condition yourself for it. For example, I personally have been in touch with such a sentiment for quite a while. That is, I understand that everything affects someone and that since we are all the same because we just want to be happy then we have the responsibility to take care of each other. I mean we are all human and the only certain thing about us is that there are other humans. That is inevitable so it is then inevitable that we all affect each other. So whatever we do must be positive. Right......?

I wish I could think clearer. I have these thoughts all the time but it's hard for me to make them straight in my head.

Anyway, back to my example. I understand this idea of one-ness. I believe it is correct and I think that few people would dispute it. I believe it strongly and think about it alot which is different from most people (for whatever reason; maybe they don't think about such things or just haven't been exposed to such thinking). I feel it is terrible to do anything to harm anyone else. I believe that really strongly in the core of my being. And I think that it should be impossible for me to do anything wrong because I have the fortune to be aware of such a fact and be so in-tuned into the sympathies of the world. That said, I ignore it often. I hurt people all the time. After talking to Shana today, I thought in my head that I hated her because of something in particular. But she is one of the only people to have ever loved me and she is the only person outside of my parents and sister that I can say I have ever truly loved. Then again, I think it is because I love her that I can hate her.

But that matter is something else entirely...

Anyway, like I was going on about early...I ignore the fact that I know I should not harm other people and that makes me the worst. And I am perpetually guilty and I hate that.

But anyway, the point is McDonalds gives me a lot of opportunities to practice my associations with other people. I am training myself. I am conditioning myself to be a better person through the misery that is working such a terrible job.